tasks of raj
by iEATfood
Summary: rajpatsy! can raj prove to hooha that he's worthy enough to date his daughter or will hooha's constant tests kill him? read review pls
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: this fic is a Raj/Patsy fic. a pairing which I seem to be the only fan of, but since it's mostly about Raj being Raj I hope even people who despise my taste in shippage can enjoy this story.

If there were any words to describe Raj brave wouldn't be one of them, in fact, "brave" and "Raj" in the same sentence was considered a source of merriment. More suitable words for Raj were cowardly, overly-cautious and maybe even pusillanimous by people who spend way to much time reading dictionaries and don't have any friends.

There was one brave thing Raj did and that was to fall in love with patsy smiles although this was completely accidental on his part, and now through no fault of his own they were a "couple". Word about this spread quickly through the campers of leaky lake. in acorn flats patsy was congratulated as would a returning huntress, she had missed the prey she was aiming for but at least managed to bring down the one next to it, in camp kidney they had a completely different attitude about this ever since the bean scouts had found out that patsy was commander hoo-ha (who hasn't been told)'s daughter it was generally agreed that patsy's future _le amour _was also going to be le dead. Campers had started referring to Raj in the past tense Edward tried to deliver a funeral eulogy but enjoyed himself too much to do it properly. On the plus side, Lazlo pointed out, Raj got lots flowers draped ceremoniously on his doorstep.

But that was a week ago …

Currently Raj was happy, all thoughts of his imminent death the farthest from his mind. he opened the door kicked away a few dried lilies from the cabin's entrance and exclaimed "oh what a beautiful day! Isn't it Lazlo?"

"It IS a beautiful day, Raj!" said Lazlo jumping over his best friend's head and landing outside with a flip "the sun's just peeking over the mountains"

He leaned into the cabin to wake up clam "HEEEYY CLAM IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DA-"

"GO. TO..BED!" clam stuffed his head under his pillow.

Lazlo shrugged "he must not be a morning person"

Lazlo and Raj watched the sunrise together.

"wanna go give an extra happy good morning to scoutmaster lumpus?"

"No I am still aching from the last time, Lazlo"

"Oh I'm sure he didn't mean to hit you with his alarm clock"

"Nevertheless Lazlo I'd rather not risk it"

"But risks are fun."

By now the sun had finished raising itself up above the horizon. And everyone in camp had started waking up and slinkman started the morning announcements he started with a good morning and went though a few reminders of rules broken the past day "… and scoutmaster lumpus would like to inform you that any campers trying to wake him before eight will be fed to mountain bears … (slinkman paused) .isn't that a little harsh?"

And lumpus who was standing to far away from the microphone to be heard properly went:

"Grumble GRUMBLE grumble!"

"Oh I'm sure it wasn't that bad sir"

"GRUMBLE!!"

Slinkman decided to change the subject. "And on a further note commander hoo-ha is stopping by for a surprise inspection today and..."

"GRUMBLE!!!? Grumble grumble whine?"

"But I did tell you sir when you when checking under your bed for stray campers a few hours ago remember?"

Meanwhile raj's formerly happy demeanor was shattered "oh my goodness! Lazlo, did you hear that!!"

"Yes. Scoutmaster Lumpus was looking for us I told you we should've went he must have missed us!"

"No Lazlo!! Commander Hoo-ha's coming OH MY GOD WHAT IF HE KNOWS!!? Laaazloo he's going to kill meee"

"Oh I'm sure it's just an inspection for no reason Raj"

Meanwhile hoo-ha's jeep roared over the highway he was in a bad mood today. yesterday he had tried to peek into his daughters dairy and could have sworn he saw a heart before she took it away and reprimanded him, that or a funny rhombus. Either way he was feeling mad today and was hoping to vent on lumpus and his bean scouts. Shouting always made him feel so much better!

By the time hoo-ha had reached the gates of camp kidney lumpus had already had the campers lined up next to the speakers. And as soon as he spotted hoo-ha coming he put on his best 'I haven't done anything' grin, saluted and said "commander hoo-ha! What brings you here?" Commander hoo-ha ran him over, jumped out of his car and threw him his keys "park it somewhere nice" he grunted not even glancing in lumpus's direction he stomped toward the lined up campers and glared at them, they trembled. His eyes roved over the line of nerdy shoddy out of shape children trying to find something to shout about, and believe me he found many.

"YOUU! Your shirts in horrible condition! And you!! Stand up straight you limpy maggot! (Maggot boy: seriously is no one offended by this? At all?) And you! You stand like a GIRL!" Edward coughed tried to sidle out of view "y'hear that Sampson he talking about you!" he said out loud "aw nerts" said samsonina "AND YOU!!" hoo-ha pointed at Lazlo. Lazlo smiled blissfully "one day I'll find out whatever it's you're all mellowed out on and you'll be dismissed from camp you little crack-head! And you!" he turned to the next camper "why... you're asleep!?" he paused shocked at this offence he poked clam who woke up yelling "PIE!" the commander decided to move on to next camper on account of this one's 'way with words' hurting his brain muscle, and as he reached Raj he could smell the fear hanging thick in the air. Raj shivered so hard little bits of gravel on the ground were vibrating away from him "youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!" hoo-ha went blue, his eyes bulged then he finally inhaled. His pupils dilated and his nostrils flared and poor Raj nearly wet himself '_OMG his nose hairs are menacing meeeeee!!!_' Raj thought _'don't look him in the eyes! Gorillas always attack if you look them in the eye!_ ' "you know, boy, that eyes are the doorway to the soul" growled hoo-ha '_aaahh it is like he is hitting on meee!_ ' "Only a sinner don't look a man in the eye! YOU A SINNER BOY!!!?? "

"Noo sir"

"Whaaaaat!??? I can't hear you SPEAK UP!!"

"Noo sir"

"WHAT YOU DARE REFUSE SPEAKING UP!!!"

"No sir! I was speaking up"

"Oh ok"

"……"

"( .\ /.)"

"Um?..."

"You won't show me your soul?!!"

"It is shy, sir"

"Sinner!"

"Eh?"

"What have you done? Sinner! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!??"

"Nothing!!!"

Hoo-ha took a great sniff nearly inhaling Raj up his nose finally he said "youu lie!"

"Noo! Noo I'm not!"

"Confess!"

"..What?"

"YOU'RE SINS!!"

"b-but I've done nothing..." ..Other than date patsy, he sooooo knows about us!!! He is just going to torture then eat me like a cat would a rat!

"Really?"

"Y-yes"

"REALLY!!!!?"

"Sob yes"

"…."

"…."

"REALLY!!!??"

"Hic w-what are you going to do if it is a lie, sir? Sob"

"… I'll eat yooou"

"I CONFESS! I AM DATING YOUR DAUGHTER!!!"

hoo-ha's eyes went blank and rolled back into his tiny skull "whuuuurgggg?"

"DON'T EAT MEEE!!!!"

"YOU'RE WHAT??????" the ground shook Raj nearly flew back from the force of hoo-ha's bellow.

Lumpus who had just finished crawling out from under the jeep went "ooooooooh someone's in trooouuble!!" in a pleased way. Happy that someone else was gonna get it

"Why you little creep!! I'll rip yo-"

"AAAAAAH no ripping no ripping!!!" Raj took of running like his life depended on it, because it did, Lazlo and clam followed while hoo-ha took chase he ran toward his cabin unfortunately for Raj jelly bean cabin was nearly the farthest cabin from the gates on the way there he ran into patsy, no, literally, he slammed into her "Raj?" she twittered confused.

Lazlo ran past them "I'll hold the door open you Raj! Bye patsy!" clam ran close behind him going "fun! Fun! Fun!" with every step. He was enjoying himself.

"Sorry patsy" Raj moved patsy out of the way "I must run for my life now" and he ran past her

"What?"

Hoo-ha roared past her uprooting trees in his wake.

"Daddy?"

Hoo-ha managed to catch up with Raj and grabbed him by the back of his neckerchief "ah ha! Gotcha!" he lifted him up of the ground raj's legs pumped in midair

"Daddy!" hoo-ha dropped Raj looking shocked "pumpkin?" his expression changed from confused to suspicious "what are you doing _here?_"

"u-um" patsy tried to think of something she had actually just came to say hello to her boyfriend "I heard you were here daddy and I came to say hi!"

"_It's to late…_" hissed Raj from somewhere near the ground "_he knows_..."

"He knows!!? What are you lying there for? Runn!!!"

Hoo-ha grunted as he heard raj's frantic footsteps fading into the distance behind him he forgot about his daughter and chased the pachyderm boy.

"Daddy! Don't kill him!!"

Raj reached jelly bean cabin where him and his friends shut the door and leaned on it.

Hoo-ha tapped lightly on the door and said "knock! Knock!"

"w-who is there?" answered Raj

"Hoo-ha!"

"Hoo-ha who?" said Lazlo "hey did you hear that Raj I sounded like a monkey!..Oh!" the novelty of this struck him

"Funny joke." Clam pointed out.

"Open this door!" growled hoo-ha

"Not by the hairs in my chinny chin chin!" exclaimed Raj

"You worms don't have hairs on your chin! You'd better open this door or I'll huff and I'll puff- oh what the heck!" he ripped open the door, and craned his large sinewed neck into the cabin. Inside both clam and Lazlo stood to attention next to their beds Raj was no where in sight. Commander hoo-ha was taken aback he entered the room slowly sniffing the air cautiously suddenly he looked up "ah HA!" Raj who was sitting on top of the totem pole trying to look wooden nearly fell off with an "eep" he prayed to whatever merciful god he could think of to let him live maybe the scoutmaster in the sky will stop tossing volleyballs and air conditioners from the sky an actually grant a miracle for once, enter patsy:

"Daaaaaaaaaadddyy!!!!"

Hoo-ha paused in the middle of chewing his way up the totem pole.

"Stop it daddy you're acting silly!"

Hoo-ha spat out a few splinters. "Aw honey I'm just trying to protect you!"

"I can protect myself! It would be nice if you'd let me have a boyfriend with out pulverizing him for once!"

("how many boyfriends have you had?" asked Raj from up of-screen still on the totem pole)

Patsy decided to use one of the most powerful weapons in her arsenal: first her lips quivered and then her eyes welled up. "Don't you trust my judgment daddy?"

Her dad softened up "aaawww of course I don't pumpkin I'm your dad!"

"_Daddy!_" she grabbed her neckerchief held it to her eyes and sobbed into it "y-you could at least give him a chance! Sob"

The commander sighed "oh alright"

All the campers present, Lazlo, clam, Raj and patsy, cheered.

"BUT…!"

The campers went "eep!" except for clam he went "eh... where?"

"Only if this little pink _freak_" hoo-ha continued, pointing at Raj to extenuate his pinky freakness "proves he's _man_ enough for my daughter!"

Raj's throat went dry, he swallowed "and how do I do that ...sir?"

hoo-ha laughed he threw back his head and guffawed he laughed a laugh more menacing than any laugh laughed by an any evil villain before, even the blue ones.

Then as suddenly as he started he stopped "a test boy"

"a-a test?"

"DID I STUTTER?!"

"No sir!"

Patsy took a step forward "what kind of test daddy?"

"Any kind I want pumpkin!"

"d-dadd-"

"Surely your boy here can handle an _itsy bitsy _test?"

"of course I can!" said Raj sticking out his chest, yet sweating from head to foot, because even cowards have some pride.

"You can?" said..Everyone.

"oh yes… indeed"

Hoo-ha turned with a harrumph "see you at the crack of dawn maggot!" he slammed what was left of the door and left

"Wow" said Lazlo after a few quiet seconds. "That was so brave Raj…Raj?"

Raj had ripped of some of window mesh from the back of the cabin and was trying to crawl out the window.

"Raj!"


	2. Chapter 2

Word spread quickly in camp kidney, in fact, the bean scouts knew what happened nearly as soon as it happened. One of the many things bean scouts were notorious for, besides the smell of their socks and the feminine way they wrote, was the way they gossiped more effectively than any bunch of teenage girls any where. Dave and ping pong even published their own gossip column. And so all the campers of camp kidney, and a few curious squirrel scouts, managed to get up the next day at the crack of dawn driven by the pure hope of seeing something bad happen to someone else.

They gathered around near a strange structure that hoo-ha built and waited for something cool to happen.

Soon Raj showed up he was being pushed by patsy, he had to be, he was too scared to move. Patsy was trying to console him despite the fact that her father was merely a few feet away. In the crowd clam and Lazlo were holding up a 'we believe in you Raj' sign. Edward was standing next to Lazlo, where Raj usually stood. "this is going to be good" he grinned.

"I know" said Lazlo happily "me and clam even baked a cake for raj's victory celebration later"

"Celebration!" clam echoed.

"That's not what I meant you idiots there's no way he'll…" Edward started then he glanced at the sign and decided to let them of with a "-groan- losers!" while wondering how anyone would be comforted by the thought that a bunch of morons, who believed in a scoutmaster that lived in the sky and threw air conditioners at people, believed in him.

In fact Raj was comforted by this and, despite the way he was acting, he was considering himself quite brave, I mean, he wasn't trying too hard to run away was he?

"You'll be fine" said patsy. She brought her face close "I'm sure you can do it!" Raj blushed.

"Hey! No fraternizing with my daughter!"

Raj jumped back a few feet "y-yes sir!"

"So" said patsy "where is this test, daddy?"

Hoo-ha raised a hand and coughed demurely into it "if you were to direct your attention to the left…"

Raj and patsy directed their attention to the left.

There was nothing there.

"No! My left!"

"Oh!"

To hoo-ha's left stood one of the most deadliest pointiest looking obstacle courses in the world.

"I even installed a shark pit!" added hoo-ha merrily.

"Where did you get a shark?!"

"Nurse's office! Duh!"

At the bottom of the shark pit nurse Leslie wheeled around in circles loath to leave his chair even underwater.

Raj was bustled to the obstacle course's start line where he stood sweating bullets. Hoo-ha pulled out a timer and set it. "You have …TWENTY MINUTES!!" he bellowed in raj's ear. Raj started wishing he was an animal with smaller less sensitive ears.

Raj stared ahead of him waiting for the commander to holler 'go'; he shuffled his feet and thought '_this obstacle course isn't so bad!' _ This is denial, and then he thought '_I can totally do this!_' and this is extreme denial the kind used to stop you going off the deep-end. Raj knew this but it made him feel better to try to think that the obstacle course he was just about to face was as small and unoffending as he was. Despite this it stood just as intimidating as ever perhaps even more so. Raj tried to think of the things he had on his side, well he had pretty powerful legs and …and...Well, Lazlo and clam _believed_ in him, even if they showed it with some of scoutmaster lumpus's best bed sheets and lots of colorful markers. Patsy believed in him too he knew she did and really didn't want to disappoint her and he certainly didn't want to lose her since for the first time in his life he had someone to be reckless for.

"GO!" yelled hoo-ha the anger in his voice making Raj wonder if the guy could sense when boys were thinking about his daughter. This frightening thought propelled Raj quickly across the first quarter of the obstacle course in a blind panic. He nearly ran into the first hurdle it came up so suddenly that he tripped and bounced over it and, thanks to his rounded bouncy body, screaming over next three hurdles.

He landed and rolled to his feet and tottered forward "that wasn't so bad!" he said, dizzy, and ran into a wall. He looked up it was a wall with a rope attached. Wait! he was supposed to climb up this? Was the commander crazy? He grabbed the rope and scrabbled up the wall. Unfortunately for Raj his arms were not as powerful as his legs were, in fact, they weren't powerful at all they were weak and noodley.

"Flap your ears, Raj!" suggested Lazlo.

"Fly!" said clam.

"Do I look like dumbo to you!" screamed Raj near the top of the wall, his arms straining. He finally managed to flip himself to the other side. it had taken him so long to get over the wall there was no way he'd finish the obstacle course before time ran out.

The next obstacle was one of those wire mesh things you crawl under. Panting and cursing under his breath Raj got to his knees and started wriggling his way along the course.

"He's too slow" said Edward.

Lazlo frowned and waved his "we believe in you, Raj" sign higher.

Raj tried to speed up but the space under the wire mesh was too muddy he kept slipping. Hoo-ha grinned to himself and started counting down the last few seconds aloud "15…14..." raj's hand fell on something hard and smooth buried under the mud. Slowly, he looked down and his eyes locked with the compound eyes of a huge cockroach who had been enjoying a luxury mud bath. The cockroach grinned.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhh!!"

Raj shot out the other side of the wire mesh at super speed running for his life, for he was sure a cockroach that big could have his head off in a split second.

"12 …11..."

He grabbed a rope that was in front of him and swung over the shark pit where Nurse Leslie made absolutely no attempt to lunge at him.

"10…9…"

Raj started to slow down exhausted.

"8…7…6"

The cockroach peeked its head out of his shirt it grinned and whispered in raj's ear "'ey baby..." Raj screamed disgusted, frightened and possibly sexually harassed. He flew over the last few obstacles and reached the end just as hoo-ha finished saying four.

The crowd of campers cheered since all of them were the type that got picked last for basketball teams; they were amazed as his athletic feat.

"Raj you did it!" Lazlo cheered throwing the sign into the air.

Scoutmaster Lumpus looked up horrified "blanky?"

Commander hoo-ha looked at his timer in disbelief. He shook it a few times and put it to his ear, wondering if it was slow. he looked up and saw his daughter rushing up and hugging her boyfriend. Hairs stood up on the back of his neck. No way was she old enough to have a boyfriend! He tried to think fast nearly spraining his brain muscle, and then an idea struck him. He sidled up to Raj and patsy.

"That was amazing Raj you just whooshed past those last few obstacles all of a sudden" patsy was saying

Raj chuckled nervously wondering how she didn't see the cockroach, it had been nearly the size of a truck but at the same time he was glad she didn't.

"Good job good job" barked commander hoo-ha.

"t-thank you, si-"

"And you finished just in time for your second test too!"

There was a sound like a record dying.

"Ex-excuse me?" Raj stuttered.

"Your second test! What? Do you think I'm some kind of wimp or something giving people only one test? A real man would have twelve at least!"

"Eleven"

'Eeeh?"

"I-I already finished one sir!"

"Whatever… wait here!" The commander walked off to find his next test.

"Pasty..?" Raj said.

"Yes Raj?"

"I am not very fond of your father" he said in a guilty tone.

"That will make our wedding awkward"

"Wedding?" Raj wondered how they had jumped from dating for two weeks to engaged.

Hoo-ha returned dragging scoutmaster Lumpus by the neck. He'd been having so many great ideas lately and usually it took him weeks for a new thought to lodge itself into his head.

"Commander Hoo-ha? Why are you dragging scoutmaster Lumpus like that?" asked Lazlo slightly worried but somewhat amused.

"Oh this?" said commander hoo-ha lifting up his victim who was trying to play dead. "This is the next test!"

"Scoutmaster Lumpus is my next test!?" Raj asked panicked.

"No!" the commander shook Lumpus like a lifeless fish "your next is…to capture the Algonquian moose! Ha! What do you think of that!?"

Raj leaned over to his best friend "…help me…"


	3. capturing the algoquin moose

It must be pointed out that the Algonquian moose was no normal moose while other moose had white-collar jobs and drove SUV's this moose ran a camp filled with annoying little animals. It was easily frightened and prone to fits, given a chance, it could attack in the blink of an eye, and capturing it was no easy task. It was thus that the Algonquian moose was let loose, with a slap on the rump to urge it as far away as possible, into the nearby woods. It was given a few minutes head start and then Raj was sent after it.

Raj entered the woods trying to make himself as small as possible just in case nature decided to attack.

"Scoutmaster Lumpus? Hallo?"

Raj nervously picked up a stick. "please come out" he shook his stick into a nearby bush and then remembering that the scoutmaster had tried to eat him once when he thought he was under weight, he slowly pulled out his stick and added "…with your hands up!"

There was no sound except some birds in the distance.

"I brought cookies!" he lied. Scoutmaster Lumpus jumped, screaming, out of a bush. "Peanut butter crumble!!!" he roared while foaming at the mouth.

Raj screamed and climbed as nearby tree the scoutmaster followed him and tried to shake him down lumpus's hunger for cookies and the earlier mentioned slap on rump was making him more irritable than usual.

Back in camp the campers where trying to guess how Raj was doing.

"Scoutmaster Lumpus would have eaten his eyebrows by now!" said Sampson shivering at the thought.

"Don't be stupid!" said Edward.

"Yea!" Lazlo jutted in happy to be on the same wavelength as Edward for once. "Raj wouldn't..."

"They were probably both eaten by a bear!"

"Oh…"

Probably, but commander hoo-ha didn't want to risk it his little pumpkins fragile innocence was on the line. (his imagination is getting the best of him here) so the commander snuck of after Raj into the woods leaving a large roughly sewn decoy dummy so the scouts won't notice that he's gone.

Holding on for dear life to the tree Raj decided to risk it and attack he jumped out of the tree with a "banzaii!" and grabbed on to lumpus's antlers the moose shook his head and bucked ferociously. Raj's grip slipped and he was thrown off the angry moose and into a bush. He crawled out picking twigs out of his uniform and wishing that he didn't use so much hand lotion. And then he looked up and… something was different about scoutmaster Lumpus… we pause here to add that there is much to be said for generic cartoon stupidity it was the sort of narrative that dictated that any character disguised as another would be undistinguishable from whoever he's disguised as despite how bad the disguise was. And so, when Raj saw commander hoo-ha dressed in, or preferably stuffed into, scoutmaster lumpus's uniform complete with moose antlers he didn't suspect a thing! In spite of the way the shirt stretched across the buffalo's oversized torso or the way it ended above his belly button nor did the way one of the antlers was glued on crooked give any hint to the fact that this was not scoutmaster Lumpus.

"Scoutmaster Lumpus?" asked Raj finally noticing something different about the scoutmaster "did you do something with your hair?"

Commander hoo-ha paused trying to think of what a mad yet wimpy moose would do eventually he decided to go with his gut instinct. he roared and charged at the little pink elephant. Raj ran, and, because he's been facing the faux moose, he ran backwards and into a tree. Hoo-ha screeched to a halt since he wasn't an unkind buffalo and didn't want to crush the scout just scare him away from his daughter. He roared again.

Raj tried to sink into the tree but it remained as solid as, well, a tree. He tried a diversionary tactic "look scoutmaster Lumpus! A bunny rabbit!"

Hoo-ha turned. Raj leapt and grabbed on to his antler and to the elephant's surprise it gave a little. Hoo-ha shook his head back and forth trying to dislodge him. But Raj stuck fast the commander growled he reared back and started running madly through the foliage but Raj didn't let go, he was too scared to. Letting go equaled a pretty large chance of being eaten by a moose of course hanging on probably meant being scraped off on a tree. Panicking, Raj kicked 'the moose' on the side of the head did we mention that Raj had pretty powerful legs? Yea, so while most of hoo-ha was heading east his head was attempting to go south but since said head was attached to the commanders body the commander was thrown of his feet and sent spinning, Raj still attached, across the undergrowth he crashed into a tree. The tree, an oak, had been pretending very hard to be a rubber tree and bounced him off.

In the patch of nature that Raj had been in only a few minutes ago scoutmaster Lumpus groaned and crawled out of a bush someone had knocked him out and stolen his clothes he clutched the waist line of his chibi happy slinkman boxer shorts just in case someone wanted them too and started toward camp when suddenly hoo-ha and Raj crashed into him and in a mess of antlers and boxer shorts they rolled all the way back to camp where they bounced off the mess hall and landed in a heap.

"Look!" exclaimed an unidentified camper.

"Raj didn't just catch one Algonquin moose but two!" said a surprised lemming.

"Wow" said Sampson "he's like a superhero!"

Edward rolled his eyes. Lazlo was doing happy somersaults.

The campers gathered around Raj in awe "can we do anything for you?"

"Yes. Get these moose of me they are heavy..."

-


	4. Chapter 4

-

if knowing Lazlo had taught Raj anything it was to always look on the bright side ,and to keep monkeys away from ceiling fans but it's the bright side thing were talking about now, and yes there was a bright side after Raj had passed-

"More lemonade Raj?" trilled Sampson.

"sigh if you must"

Now, where was I? Oh yes. after Raj had passed two of commander hoo-has tests his popularity rose like a rocket. He was presently occupying the center of a throng of adoring fans fighting to give him stuff. It was heaven! And currently someone else was envying that heaven and that someone was Edward. Edward fed of attention like a sponge he needed it to survive nobody knows why possibly a mixture of being small for his age and having four large brothers. you develop a need for attention fast when your small and have four large brothers lumbering around the house and not looking where they're going, and now that he wasn't getting that attention he was feeling frustrated.

"Hey everybody! Look! I found a two-headed lizard!" Edward tried, but to no avail his peers kept fawning over Raj "tell us again how you captured the moose Raj!"

"You guys want stories!? I got legends!!" yelled Edward.

"Who is that guy?" chip asked skip who shrugged.

"Grrrr" he gave up and headed back to his cabin to plot. he may have lost the battle but the war ain't over till he sez its over! "y'hear that!?" he said out loud no one paid him any mind except a few lemmings, who stared, no one stared like a lemming so he left.

Back in pinto cabin he sat on his bed and took out his most prized possession, his veronica doll. veronica had a real knack when it came to calming his nerves and she was always there for him too not like those other campers!

He was in the midst of playing with his doll when the door was slammed open he quickly stuffed her under the covers. There had always been something taboo about a boy playing with dolls and he didn't want to get caught at it. Commander hoo-ha stormed in with Raj in tow "and here's your next task!" hoo-ha was saying.

A bunch off campers had gathered near the door "he's making him clean pinto cabin!" exclaimed the nameless bear guy (I think he's called Charlie or something)

"That's preposterous!" said ping pong "yea no-one cleans pinto cabin!" continued Dave

"Many have tried all have failed…" said Fred the walrus boy solemnly.

Commander hoo-ha glared at them they quickly dispersed except for two dung beetles staring solemnly into the cabin. The commander turned his attention to Edward "taking a nap, eh?" he inquired and although he said this in a completely non-threatening manner Edward was totally intimidated "no sir!" he tried to make sure his doll was completely hidden by pulling up the covers to his chin. "You look like your taking a nap." Pointed out hoo-ha Edward stuttered

"Um…" Raj tried to make himself heard while holding a toothbrush at arms length like it would bite him.

"Well what are you standing around fer love trunks! Start cleaning!!"

And so Raj did.

Edward watched in amazement as hoo-ha tried to plan his escape, his face scrunched up like lumpus's underwear on the day the jelly's had laundry duty, a little vein stuck out in his forehead with the effort of sentient thought and then he looked left and then he looked right and then he lumbered on out of the cabin in full view for all to see! He came back plopped a giant dummy shaped like him in his stead and ran back out again and Edward just stared.

Outside the cabin skip and chip were mourning their dirt collection. They felt some what resentful to Raj for attempting to clean the muck and grime it had taken them ages to accumulate it'll be hard to get it just right again. they stared at the ground and moped. It didn't occur to them to do anything about it they weren't programmed that way they usually just did what Edward told them to.

A shadow fell on the ground they were staring at. They looked up it was hoo-ha "hey it's a buffalo..." said chip.

"No it's a bison" disagreed skip, because as chip's brother it was his duty to disagree with most of what he said.

"Stand to attention maggots!" barked hoo-ha.

"We're not maggots we're dung beetles" said skip amused at the cow-like man's stupidity

"I once dreamed I was pretty butterfly" chip interjected.

Hoo-ha tried to ignore that last comment but in his opinion campers dreaming of being butterflies was an impediment in the way of their annual transformation into men.

"I hear you boys don't want your rank fetid room cleaned up!"

"We love our rank!" skip exclaimed and buried his head into his brother's shoulder and started crying.

"Well are you just gonna sit there crying like little pansies! Or are you gonna do something about it!"

"Hhmm pansies…" echoed chip remembering his butterfly dream

"You should attack!" continued hoo-ha ignoring him

"Yea!" both beetles pumped their fists into the air

"You should fight fer yer rights!!"

"Yeaaa!"

"Defend the Alamo!!!"

"YEEEAAAA!!" their sausage shaped bodies trembled with excitement

Inside pinto cabin Edward, who was stranded on his bed because of veronica, was trying to haughtily give Raj cleaning tips

"My mom puts baking soda on stains like those y'know" although laundry pointers weren't exactly the best way to prove one's superiority one had to do the best with what one could.

Raj ignored him and continued cleaning.

Soon hoo-ha was back he shuffled in and threw his clone-dummy out the door –discreetly of course- then he stood there looking expectant 'any minute now' he thought to himself 'any minute now' he waited for two angry beetles to storm the cabin, and waited, but no-one came and soon after the cabin was clean and another task was conquered by Raj.

Afterwards hoo-ha stomped into a clearing of freshly felled trees where the dung beetle brothers stood enjoying themselves.

"You two were supposed to attack! don't you understand the simple concept behind the word attack?"

"We did attack" said skip

"Woooooooooooooo!!!" said chip

"We attacked trees" skip pointed at the cut down trees

"Woooooooooooooooo!!"

"We attacked rocks"

"Wooooooooooooooo!!"

"And we even attacked Ted" skip pointed at Ted who groaned

"Wooooooooo wooohoooo yea!!" chip cheered

The commander rubbed his head and groaned this would have been so mush easier if he didn't have to deal with idiots


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N) yaaaaaay!!! Finally finished! _

------

So it went on test after test after pointless test. Hoo-ha had Raj climb up mountains and down them, shimmy up migrating trees, and other ridiculous things.

It occurred to Raj that hoo-ha wasn't testing him as much as he was trying to wear him out. After two days of this Raj's patience was wearing thin, but the last straw was Lazlo and clam coming up to him and telling him that, unfortunately, his victory cake was starting to get stale.

"That's it!" he decided and went of to find patsy.

Patsy was hanging out with ping-pong, Dave and Edward. Technically she was just hanging out with ping-pong and Dave. Edward claimed he was merely there to mock. She would have hung out with her squirrel scout friends, but they had such varying tastes that it was hard to have this kind of conversation with them for this kind of conversation required someone truly _feminine_.

"I think she should end up with dean. He was the nicest to her." Patsy said

"Huh!" ping-pong rolled his eyes "that is not logical! She's obviously going to end up with Jess! They have so much in common!"

"I can't believe you people are having this conversation in front of me." Said Edward. In his opinion they were both wrong and Rory should end up with Logan he didn't say it out loud though. He didn't want anyone thinking he was into chick shows.

Patsy ignored him "it's going to be dean!" she insisted.

Ping pong waved his head around like a balloon on a string caught in a gale and chanted "jess jess jess!"

"What he said!" Dave added he wasn't really into the conversation but felt it necessary to back up his brother.

"What does everyone have against dean anyway?" patsy asked frustrated.

"Point in fact patsy" ping-pong drawled, "We have better taste in men than you do!"

"Uummm?"

"This conversation is scaring me." Said Raj walking tentatively into the scene wild-eyed and bewildered.

Patsy turned, happy to be facing Raj considering the alternatives. "Hey Raj! What's up?"

"Eh heh" Raj fidgeted "patsy I came to …um" he didn't know how he was going to say this. He started over "pasty I can't feel my legs anymore!" he complained.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm **saying** your father's killing me! I won't live to see fall!" he was panicking. He had to calm down. Be the man of this relationship, which wasn't easy considering his girlfriend could crush his skull if she wanted too. He took a deep breath steadied himself and tried to channel someone manly and horribly romantic like Leonardo Di Caprio or Salman Khan, minus the singing. "Patsy!?" he exclaimed flamboyantly then paused he only had a rough sketch of what he was going to do next.

"Yes? …Raj? She answered steadily hanging around with Raj was slowly making her a more patient person. She was ready wait him out if she had too, and shake him if the fear has him frozen. But surprisingly, he moved. He grabbed her hand brought it to his face and kissed it. She blushed the pink spreading across her cheeks and making her face disappear into her brilliantly pink hair.

"My dearest patsy!" he started. "I love you!" he said it in earnest taking her by surprise. "And my love for you will never ever waver even after your father has worn me down till I'm nothing but an empty husk of an elephant!" he paused picturing himself as an empty husk then continued he said this part quickly "and since I know it will sit very heavily on your heart if I was turned into an empty husk I'm going to runaway and live in the mountains till your father dies of old age! Byeee!" he turned and trotted off. He ran a bit slowly because the thought of living in the mountains didn't appeal to him much. He was actually hoping something would change his mind.

"Wait, Raj!"

Well that was enough. He stopped.

"Don't leave" said patsy she tried to think of something that would convince him to stay despite the chances of her father killing him. "I know my dad can be bit scary to other people…" she had never been scared of him herself and never understood why people feared him so. He was actually a pretty sensitive sweet guy himself "but you know…" she bit her lip "don't leave." she repeated.

He sighed he had no intention of leaving. "Patsy do you think if I asked nicely for your dad to stop testing me…?"

"No." she replied hopelessly. "He thinks giving up is unmanly" this gave her an idea. "But he thinks challenges are really manly!"

"Challenges?" Raj echoed with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Meanwhile Hoo-ha, commanding officer of tomato scout camp, was plotting. Plotting wasn't something he was particularly good at. He approached the concept in the same way a war general would approach strategic planning, with chess pieces and a map! It didn't work very well for him he just ended up getting angry and smashing pawns. He was staying in the scoutmaster's cabin for now and was missing several anger management classes but he didn't really care anymore.

Scoutmaster Lumpus sat huddled in a corner hugging his knees, rocking himself back and forth while telling himself it'll all be over soon. He had been in the far corner of his office when hoo-ha came in and now he was trapped. He was sure any attempt to make his way out would only draw the beast's attention to him.

But, he was starting to get hungry.

He wished desperately that Slinkman would come rescue him but, sadly, no small yellow slugs in shiny armor jumped though the window to whisk him away to safety. He started shuffling along the wall towards the exit propelling himself with only his butt muscles.

Suddenly hoo-ha jumped out of his chair, well, Lumpus's chair. The chair hit the ground with a bang scaring the scoutmaster back into the corner. The commander sniffed at the air wrinkling up his nose as though he was smelling something foul. He made his way to the door then slammed it open ripping it of its hinges and roared "is that romance I smell?!!"

Patsy was standing with her back to the door. She had dragged Raj here by the hand and was currently still holding his hand oblivious to the angry beast behind her "…-and as long as you _really _love me everything is going to be fine" she was saying, but Raj wasn't listening with his hand still in hers he was leaning back as far as he could. He should have just ran while he had the chance, but the worry of the disappointment patsy might feel should he pull his hand away from hers to soon, Raj had figured out quite early in their relationship that patsy was quite sensitive to things like that, kept him rooted in place.

He quickly ran patsy's plan though his mind. It wasn't much of a plan. It was insane. Raj wondered why all the people he liked to hang out with were daring and insane.

Patsy turned and looked up at her father "oh hi daddy!" She said as if nothing was wrong. "Raj has something to say to you!" she let go of Raj's hand and stepped backward to give him room to speak.

Raj stuttered "I –I" he started "I can't do this!" he retreated behind patsy.

"Raj!" she said sternly taking more steps backwards so Raj would be in front of her.

Raj retreated some more "sorry, patsy!"

The commander watched in silence as the two withdrawed until they were little dots in the distance. He grew tired of their foolishness. "Hey!" he snorted and trotted up to them. "If this-" he hesitated "MAN has something to say to me he can say it to my face!" hoo-ha lowered his large head so it would be level with the little elephant's.

Raj froze like a deer in the headlights. He could see his life flash by reflected in the angry buffalo's eyes.

[Flash

This is little baby Raj. Well, he wasn't that little. He was one of those babies who were born fat, and seemed to be made of cheeks and drool. He gurgled and rolled forward trying to crawl on his nubby little arms then he came across a shoe lying on is side. He shuddered a bit staring at this new thing in shock and then: "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhwaaah!!!!"

[Flash

This is Raj a bit older trussed up in a school uniform.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh"

[Flash

This is Raj only a few years ago, in camp. He was standing next to his best friend Lazlo and his not as best friend clam. Lazlo sniffed at the air "I smell adventure!" he exclaimed Raj gave a little scream and ran of screen "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"

[Flash

This is Raj just a week ago. He looked at patsy. She looked at him and gave a little giggle. "Aaaaaaaaaaahhh cooties!!!!" he screamed and ran away.

[Flash

"Raj is challenging you to a fight daddy" patsy was saying in the here and now. "_Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh"_ Raj screamed inside but no sound came out of his lips.

"A fight?" hoo-ha echoed, looking as if he was on the verge of exploding.

"Yea! He's is tired of you pushing him around!"

Raj nodded but hesitantly.

"He thinks your being a mean ol' doody head!" patsy continued.

It occurred to Raj that he was saying quite a lot for some one who wasn't moving his lips.

"That's what he thinks, huh!?" hoo-ha growled.

Raj shook his head.

"Yea! He wants you to quit beating around the bush and fight him! Man to man. Just one fight and then no more of this silliness! If he wins he can _date_ me…" there was a way in which she uttered the word date. she drew it out with a sigh and fluttered her eyelashes. Say what you wish about her dad methods, but this was the most romantic thing that ever happened to her.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you watch Cinderella!" grunted hoo-ha.

"And if he loses" she interjected "I'll… never speak to him again."

"Hot-diggity I can sleep again!" the commander trotted off to find a punching bag.

"Patsy!?" Raj squeaked worriedly.

Patsy flashed him a 100 certified patsy smiles smile "don't worry Raj you'll win"

Raj sighed. According to patsy he'd challenge her dad and he'll be so impressed with his bravery and courage that he'll let him live. Sorta like a Grecian hero going up against a god. Boy, patsy was optimistic what had he ever done to deserve her.

Probably killed someone in a former life…

-

"Didja hear that Clam?" Lazlo grinned.

Clam nodded.

"There's gonna be a fight! You know what this means don't you?"

Clam knew what it meant, whether it meant the same thing Lazlo was thinking he didn't know so he shrugged.

Lazlo hoisted up the marshmallow victory cake they made a few days ago. It wasn't just stale but going green at the edges too. "we're gonna need another victory cake!"

Lazlo believed whole-heartedly in Raj's ability to win, in fact, the very thought that Raj might lose was absolutely ridiculous to him. "To the kitchen!" he exclaimed.

They rushed to the kitchen and flung open the doors.

"Cake!" said Clam pointing inside.

Lazlo looked in "cake!!" he squealed.

Edward looked as if he'd been caught in the middle of doing something dreadful.

"Edward! I didn't know you could bake?" Lazlo grinned at him.

"I-I do not!" stuttered Edward despite the oven mitts and the 'fresh from the oven' cake in his hands.

"Cake!" clam stated.

Edward shot him a glare. Since clam confused him, he turned his attention back to Lazlo. "Bean scouts don't bake." He stated. As if this mere fact was going to erase this incident.

Lazlo ignored him. "Can we have it?"

"What? No!"

Lazlo faked more deafness "yes?"

"No"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes?"

"No!"

"No..?"

"Yes!"

Realizing his mistake Edward bit his lip "urk!"

Lazlo ripped the cake out of his clutches "thanks Edward!"

"Cake." Clam said his voice dripping satisfaction as they walked out of the kitchen.

"Come back here with that cake!" Edward yelled at them.

"Won't Raj be happy we got him a victory cake?" Lazlo said to Clam "it's even shaped like a heart."

Clam grinned. "Sissy.."

-

Raj stood in a corner shivering. he' d never felt more alone than he did now.

Hoo-ha stood in another corner, looking buff.

Edward stood in the middle of the ring holding a microphone. "Okay" he cleared his throat and gestured toward Raj. "In this corner weighing at about, oh lets say, nine stone!"

"I'm not that fat" Raj protested.

"..Is Raj the loser!"

Several bean scouts clapped half-heartedly. Lazlo, on the other hand, clapped like his life depended on it.

"And in _this_ corner weighing …at..Um as much as a truck!"

"Hey!" growled hoo-ha.

"Alright.. A planet!"

"I'm the ideal weight for my height and stature!" hoo-ha protested looking hurt.

"I mean, c'mon people, this is not fat camp" said Edward who was missing his cake oh so much and was feeling a bit testy about it.

Hoo-ha growled.

Edward paused then grinned nervously. He was angry not suicidal. "Let's all give a cheer for our beloved commander, hoo-ha smiles!"

Nobody cheered.

Hoo-ha growled again.

Everybody cheered enthusiastically. Except Clam who wasn't afraid of death. he booed.

"Now lets get this over with so I can get my cake back!" said Edward optimistically into the microphone.

The crowd muttered, "cake?"

"Urk!" to hide his fumble Edward walked calmly out of the ring he smacked skip on the head as he passed skip's head made a ringing noise. _Dingdingding_. It was an impromptu starting bell.

ROUND 1:

This is it, thought Raj, this is the part were I die.

Hoo-ha charged roaring Raj froze and time slowed down. he could hear his own heart beat.

"Use the power, Raj!" said a voice.

As hoo-ha got closer Raj's foot came up and kicked him in the shin. Because, even though Raj accepted his imminent death the rest of his body was very attached to this life.

Hoo-ha stopped his eyes bulged and he fell sideways clutching his leg "boohoohoo! ma leg!" he sobbed.

Raj stared at him in disbelief.

Dingdingding.

ROUND 2:

Hoo-ha charged limping slightly, Raj panicked and kicked hoo-ha out of instinct. The commander fell down crying, "boohoo! Ma _other_ leg!"

Dingdingding.

ROUND 3:

Hoo-ha vetoed running since BOTH of his legs were aching something awful so he hopped menacingly toward Raj. Raj kicked, higher this time, hoo-ha fell sprawling clutching his face "oh god! My face!" he yelled in pain.

Maybe I do have the power… thought Raj as the crowd cheered. Lazlo jumped into the ring, grabbed Raj's arm and hoisted it up in the air. "the winner!" he declared.

"That was stupid," said Edward out of a desperate need to make all his thoughts heard.

There was much merry making after that Lazlo danced and Raj got to eat cake.

Patsy climbed into the ring and pulled her father into sitting position and put an ice pack on his head.

"You ok, daddy?"

He groaned.

She helped him toward the nurse's cabin. On the way there she ran into Raj stuffing his face with cake.

"Hi patsy…" he said sounding a bit hesitant.

"Oh hi Raj"

"Um uh" he looked down at his feet "I'm sorry about your father. I didn't mean to hit him! I was just so.. Scaaared!!" he sobbed a little bit hoping for attention.

"It's okay Raj. It was my idea remember?" she giggled and leaned closer with air of someone imparting a great secret. "daddy's never been very good at hand to hand combat!" she whispered. "And you know…" she lowered her voice. He leaned closer to hear.

_Smooch!_

She gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He recoiled as is he'd been shot.

"See ya Raj!" she giggled and hopped away, carrying her father with amazingly little effort.

Raj rubbed his cheek looking worried and blushing.

"Cooties, huh?" said Lazlo walking by with a tray of cake "nothing a little more cake won't fix. It's heart shaped"

::::END:::

All the campers stood to attention in a line. Commander hoo-ha paced back and forth in front of them, well, he would have paced if he could, but since both his legs were bandaged up he was wheel-chairing back and forth in front them.

After a long pause he gathered the courage to speak.

"Scouts!" he paused again "today I learned something important do you know what that is?"

The scouts said nothing.

"I learned to accept things," he continued, "I learned to be compassionate! I learned that if my daughter wants to date A COMPLETE AND UTTER LOSER WHO AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER then its okay" he paused once more to check his pulse "its okay…" he breathed.

"In fact I learned to be a sharing and understanding person!! C'mon!!! Anyone got anything to share? I'm understanding remember? I accept you for who YOU are!"

The lined up campers all shut their eyes tight and resisted the urge to share.

"Ooh ooh!" Lazlo raised his hand hopping up and down.

Hoo-ha leaned forward beaming "yeeesss??"

Lazlo grabbed Edward's hand "we're gay!"

"WHAT??!"

_A/N) sorry about that last part I couldn't resist a 'here we go again' ending XD._

_In the same way I should be writing a sequel to "hearts" (which I am) I should be writing a _pre_quel for this, since it never explains how they got together…_


End file.
